Contented In-Laws

Rule #66 - They will be really friendly with their loved ones

2010-08-28T11:38:00.000+01:00

Your MIL will save her loving friendly voice for her own kinder, reserving the moody, subdued voice especially for you. She will phone up her loved ones and ask them how they are, laughing and joking with them, but for you, she will take big deep sighs. Yes it hurts to see these double standards.

Rule #65 - Look after yourself when poorly

2010-08-18T11:36:00.001+01:00

When you are feeling, dont expect your MIL to ask you how you are. If you looked completely drained of all colour, dont expect her care or concern. Instead, give yourself the TLC you need yourself. Make sure you are well rested and take all the breaks you need. Look after number one.

Rule #64 - Smiles and Sighs

2010-08-18T11:27:00.004+01:00

Be prepared! Your MIL may give you a nice bright smile when she wakes up in the morning if she finds you have done all the cooking already - she may even ask you how you are! (But don't count on it!)

Next, if you ask for her some help in the kitchen, be prepared that she will refuse, blaming it on her aching muscles and bones. From then on, you can expect the big smile to vanish and the deep long sighs to return.

Rule #63 - Tap into your Masculine, Oblivious Side

2010-07-15T11:54:00.000+01:00

Women's intuition - the ability to give attention to 'interpersonal domestic politics' is a gift women possess which assists them in creating harmony. However, this intuition, we applied to an in-law dynamic, can promote just as much hostility as it can harmony.

Using this intuition, women are highly sensitive to criticism and rudeness, to which 'the men in the family are oblivious'.

(Quotes by Terri Apter, What do you want from me?)

When it comes to the in-laws, it's better to employ some of this masculine oblivion, and let things roll, like water off a duck's back - when in the battle arena (often the kitchen, but can also be the bathroom, living room, hall way...).

Rule #62 - Smile Ice Breaker

2010-07-01T20:07:00.001+01:00

Whenever your MIL walks in to the room, flash her a friendly smile! Not only will it tone your cheek muscles, it will break the ice and bring in positive energy into the room!

Rule #61 Always say Good Morning!

2010-06-15T19:59:00.003+01:00

With the exception when you are upset, and mean to show it, of always proclaim a bright and cheery "Good Morning" (Or Saalam) when you see your MIL first thing is the morning. This is regardless of the fact that she may come in and say 'What a messy kitchen, what have you been doing all morning!'.

MIL: 'What a messy kitchen, what have you been doing all morning!'.
You: (smile apologetically) 'I was just about to clean it. Good Morning!'

Once you've greeted her, ask her how she slept. (even if she complains that she didn't sleep a wink due to the heating being on too high/the noisy children/the trains that go by due to a bad location of the home you chose, be sympathetic).

Little Positive Strokes go a long, long way!

Even if they dont admit it, they know how much you are doing.

2010-06-01T17:16:00.000+01:00

It is common for elderly parents to deny thery ever needed anything. 'Oh I don't need anything.', and for them to reject the fact that the young family are having to invest in extra time, money and energy to support them.

Quite often this may seem like they don't appreciate what is being done for them, or that they are rejecting what is being done, and may produce a feeling of resentment in the young couple.

The way they are acting is often to protect themselves from the reality that they indeed have become dependant on others, and to accept this would be to accept that they are indeed in a vulnerable position. It's much easier to take the position of being part of the woodwork, not really there, and a figment of the young couple's imagination.

'Why are you making such a big fuss? I am no bother at all!' they may state emphatically.

Instead being overcome by resentfulness, self righteousness, tap into your merciful and compassionate side. Just because they don't admit all the hard work you are putting in, doesn't mean that you are not doing it. You are working really hard, and God knows it.

Rule #60 You have a big part to play in all conflicts

2010-05-15T17:01:00.000+01:00

Your memory of what was said and done in a conflict is often biased, and you, too, may be responsible for a lot of what happened. You may not be the one who was to blame initially, but you may well be responsible for the way the conflict was handled.

Are you adding fuel to the fire? Are you encouraging their behaviour by being passive? Are you working for a win-win? Are you searching for positive intentions behind their behaviour, or have you already sentenced them?

"When people describe in-law conflicts, [...] their memories are vivid - but only for the slings and arrows sent by others. It is hard [...] to reproduce what we ourselves have said and done to contribute to the conflict.

[..]

Memory often comes to our aid by fashioning past experiences to fit a flattering self image.

Terri Apter, What Do You Want From Me?

The Sandwich Generation

2010-05-01T16:57:00.003+01:00

"Mid-life adults are sometimes called the sandwich generation, the generation in the middle pressed by obligations to a younger and an older generation.....

This involves time and money and enegry from all the family, but the actual care is susually provided by the women in the family - the daughter and the daughter in law"

Terri Apter, What Do You Want From me?

Rule #59 - Let them throw their own parties without you

2010-05-01T13:50:00.005+01:00

If your in-laws want to do things without you around, the natural instinct is to feel rejected - don't I know it!

Yet instead of wondering why they are doing this, why not brainstorm how these actions of theirs could have another useful purpose? For example - your in-laws don't help out in the house at all, you have to everything. But whenever you go out for the day, they throw a huge party! Could this mean anything else other than they hate you, and they dont want to you to come to the party?

They could be doing it so they don't have to trouble you
They could be doing it because the want to be more independent
They want to be the boss, and call all the shots
They want to have control over their own social life
They are being responsible for their own needs
They want the party to be from THEM, not 'the daughter in-law'

And could their throwing a party when you are out be useful at any other time?

Yes, when you didn't want to throw a party
Yes, when you don't want to share the workload of other's coming round
Yes, elderly people want their own independence
Yes, to keep them busy socially, so they don't depend on your for company 24-7 eek!
Yes, when they want to be happy long term, feel like they are 'doing something that means something'
Yes, when you don't want to be involved with your in laws.
Yes, when they want to be less reliant on you
Yes, when they don't want to put a workload on you.

Welcome them having a party and doing all the hard work without you, BRING IT ON!! YEAHH!!!!!!

My family is having in-laws issues - how can I help them?

2010-04-16T20:22:00.002+01:00

I appreciate the fact that you are trying to resolve this dilemma in your family, even though you are not living there. It's people like you who make a difference to extended families... the norm is to leave the family in distress and to thank Allah for not giving YOU the test! May Allah reward you for your endeavours, Ameen.

From an outsider’s point of view, I can see how hard this is for everyone. Of course you all want your mother to be happy and looked after in her old age, yet it is important for the young family to also have a life of their own, esp. since they are doing the tough task of living with their mother/mother in law.

They key is to find a compromise where all parties are happy, and out of the ‘danger zone’ this means they are not so depressed, suicidal, angry, bitter, etc. A working compromise. It may not be the ideal circumstance, but it’s ‘liveable’. This is step one. The ultimate goal is everyone being content and happy. God willing, this is achievable with a bit of hard work.

Now, I don't know what kind of situation you have in your relative's home, so I will need some answers from you, for example, who is doing what, how long they have been married, etc. But the fact that the DIL is 'disobedient' or rebellious towards her husband may mean she doesn’t know how to communicate. And unfortunately we lack these role models in our lives and it becomes harder for us to behave in the most effective way, esp. when under stress. Unfortunately, until she learns to speak her husband’s language, she won't be able to get through to him, and won't get his support.... but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t support her... he needs to do this for the sake of Allah, knowing that he is being loving and considerate to his wife, and this is good for his marriage and half of his deen, and is also a waslia for his mother to be looked after in her old age. Double rewards. And if either party changes... the other party will change automatically. Alhamdolillah.

I do think the wife will benefit from her separate housing/living space. This is their God given right, and it should be taken lightly. She needs her own kitchen, her own living room, her own bathroom and bedroom (obviously). Here is a critical point: You will only be able to get the wife to meet her MILs needs once you meet the wife’s needs. Once her needs are met she will be able to do things happily.

I hope this helped,

Renee.

Should We Move Closer?

2010-04-16T20:15:00.002+01:00

I hope you don't mind me asking you about my personal situation.

My parents have suggested that they wish to move to the same city as us. The issue arises in regards to the children and the influence of the grandparents. They are not practicing their Islam currently and at times have a negative attitude towards Islam. They also tend to favour one of the children and give most their attention to that child. With this combination of matters and their desire to be in the same city we are in a little dilemma of what to do for the best. Yes the love and company of ones parents is important but on the other hand the potential detriment to the kids could have long term consequences.

What is your advice for this current situation?

Reply:

Alhamdolillah I'm so glad you took the initiate to reach out for help.

My advice would be for you to make sure you work on your relationship with them.... and here is how:

>>>Be strong in your marital union:
Remember, you don't have to be obedient to their every wish, and you have just as much right to pursue your own interests. Your family shouldn't suffer as a result of their behaviour, but quite often its our attitude we have that shapes the relationship dynamics we create.

>>>Make things easier for them:
Perhaps you could move a bit closer? I understand that don't want their negative influence, so it’s best to keep your distance, but at the same time they do want to be a part of your lives. Phone them up regularly, and get your wife to read the Daughter in Law Rules, by Sally Shields. Remember their special days: if they have an appointment, if someone in their extended family is getting married, if someone has died... keep a track of their mood and ask them how they are doing, ask them how their health is, etc. Tell them you miss them.... you can do a lot with your approach to be sweet devoted children (but at the same time, not obeying their every wish). If they say something you don't agree with, just say ‘hmm... okay...’ and carry on living your own life.

>>> Have some compassion for their way:
They are not doing anything intended to hurt you, they are just being themselves... and that's no crime.... :) They probably favour one child because he is a boy and culturally influenced eastern people are like that. But you can't blame them for having a favourite. It’s a choice they made, and you guys may have to respect that. (it may not be the right choice in your eyes, but we can't judge other peoples actions, that’s for Allah alone.) They are pushy and demanding because they love you. Not because they hate you. But they are doing things unislamically because that is the choice they made, and not because they hate you....so basically: they are not doing anything to hurt you, its all being done out of a love and the best way they know how to.

>>> Limit your meetings with them:
with three factors in mind: Frequency, Distance and Time. The further away you live (distance), the less you visit them (frequency), and the time spent there will need to be longer. The more often you visit (frequency) the less time you can stay, but you may have to move closer (distance).

>>> work out a healthy visiting limit
so either party doesn’t enter the danger zone... so that means you dont expose yourself to them so much that you end up being damaged, and that you don't withdraw from them so much that they become damaged. (Dealing with relatives even if you can't stand them, Kirschner & Brinkman)

>>> work out alternative ways of communicating with them:
if you don't like to visit them, then phone them, send letters/cards/emails... arrange Skype video chats so they don't fall into the danger zone. Phone them regularly for short bursts, and when it gets too much say ‘oh I have to go and do something REALLY important’ (getting away from them IS really important at that time!!! :)

As you can see, it’s all about changing your attitude. It’s time to stop asking ‘why, why, why are they doing all of this... they should know better’, etc. and start to understand why they are doing it (out of love and out of their own understanding). It’s time to start being proactive and coming to solutions where both parties are happy: win-win solutions. (you may not be able to make them happy all of the time, but if you do positive things from your end, then they will start to feel a bit more loved, and therefore a bit more happy) And once everyone is winning, they will change their attitudes and become happier and understanding people. All three of these are habits of highly effective people! (The seven habits of highly effective people, Covey).

I hope this was helpful,

Renee

The Invisible Woman

2009-11-19T09:28:00.001Z

It's okay that they don't see,

it's okay that they don't notice.

God sees us.

God notices us.

Allah!

http://www.youtube.com/user/Freshbrewedlife#p/a/u/2/9YU0aNAHXP0

'In Law Sickness'

2009-09-24T17:22:00.002+01:00

‘In Law Sickness’ is something a lady described in Terri Apter’s fantastic new book, ‘What Do You Want From Me?’

I think this is perfectly dubbed: In Law Sickness - many DILS know the feeling. Feeling sick to the stomach at the sudden change in personality we see in our MILs – one minute they are on your side and supportive of what you are doing, and a split second later, they think you are scum of the earth... (or, as the lady describes in Terri’s book: a ‘soul destroying b**ch’) It’s a sickening feeling, which brings on dread, hatred and discord.

The best thing possible would be for you to come to terms with the fact that your MIL WILL do a Jekyll and Hyde on you once her back has gotten up. It may happen because you did not do something in a way her family doesn’t traditionally do, it may be because you make her question her beliefs, it may be because she realises that her son loves you a lot, it maybe because she has realised she has gotten a DIL a bit wiser than she bargained for... or it may be because you did nothing at all!

Well, she could be having a really bad day, she could have had a fight with your FIL, she could be wishing her life was a fulfilling as yours – but the fact is, she WILL so a Jekyll and Hyde on you at the drop of hat, so be prepared for it. Realise that something is out of balance with her, and remember: you are not a bad person, just because she makes you out to be one.

Take care, precious – take some emotional anti-sickness remedies: give yourself some TLC, focus on yourself, your husband and your kids, offer some prayers and meditation, listen to something that will soothe you. You are not on the same side, your loyalties are not the same, you are not the best of friends living under the same roof, and it may be time for you to face up to that.

Be the smart DIL who lets others know how she is feeling; one who acknowledges her limitations and is not afraid to admit them, the one who can say her peice and take the world in her stride, and turn your attention away from your pain body/ego and back to the Lord, Most High.

So, verily, with every hardship there is ease,
Verily, with every hardship there is ease.
Therefore, when you are free, still toil on,
And to your Lord turn all your attention.

Why wives are programmed to fight their mothers-in-law

2009-08-24T08:35:00.000+01:00

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1204365/Why-wives-programmed-fight-mothers-law.html

Sally Shields' Humour

2009-08-17T06:17:00.001+01:00

You only have one intimate partner

2009-08-10T06:44:00.000+01:00

You know the saying, when you get married, you don't just marry the guy, but his whole family too! Well, to a certain degree that is true, but when you're living with your in-laws, you need to take this quote with a pinch of salt.

The truth is, you have married into his family; but that doesn't mean that your MIL is now your lifelong partner. You have one intimate partner - your dh. He is the one you share your life with.

Try to see your in-laws as another family that you live with. Two families living together under one roof. You show common courtesy and get along amicably, you also respect them as they are older than you. But after that, you're pretty much free to do what you want. It's your life, so live it the way you want to.

Always try to take responsibility for your own duties - if you are in charge of the cooking or the shopping, make sure you keep your end of the bargain. As long as you have done your required duties, go and have some fun! Lie down, take a nap, phone a friend - and if your MIL doesn't like that, don't let it bother you.

A lot of DILs feel obliged to have breakfast, lunch and dinner with their in-laws - even when their dh is at work. If you actually enjoy spending all your time with then, then that's great, and theirs no reason to change. However, if you resent not being able to live your own life, start to do things differently.

Perhaps you could have breakfast early - or say your not hungry and have it a little later? Perhaps you start taking your lunch to your room and say that you are going to have it upstairs.

If your in-laws disapprove of you not doing everything with them - try to put your life into perspective... is this really what you want to do? Are you being true to who you really are? If you are not, I encourage you to start doing things a little differently. One step at a time, it will make the world of a difference.

I speak from experience.

Rule #58 - How to show that you are upset...

2009-08-03T08:31:00.000+01:00

For the majority of the time, if you have being following Sally Shield's DIL rules, you are now the sweet and charming DIL, who asks her PIL how they are feeling, how they slept, what their plans are for the day, and agreeing with their perspective (Rule 10)....

You'll be eagerly doing all those non-consequential tasks, such as dropping them off to the mall, making their appointments, taking them to the hospital for check-ups, cooking their meals, clearing your non-offensive mess...

You will be using Dr Huang's Love Potion (Rule 39), sprinkling love over their food, and lacing your words with 'Mum' and 'Dad'

However, what if they really upset you, by doing something really underhanded and really disrespect you?

This is a permanent living situation, and for your own sanity and self respect, I would not advise you to just smile and coo at them - sometimes, it's better not to overlook their actions, and let it be known that you are upset.

Following from Rule 29 - Don't put up with injustice,

Withdraw from their company; sit in different rooms, spend time in your room, don't give them any opportunities to make chit chat.
Act cool, and distant - give short answers.
Avoid looking at them, glance at them briefly when talking to them.
Only speak them if you really must. They will sense that you are upset with them, and may start to ask you lots of questions, just to break the ice - ignore trivial questions, and just answer the selected few.
Don't' worry about being labeled stroppy.

Remember:

Showing your anger/rage doesn't work,
Explaining your view/feelings on the matter doesn't work,
Let your husband sort it our for you in his own way,
Don't eavesdrop on their conversations.

How long do I have to spend with them?

2009-07-31T20:52:00.007+01:00

How much time do you want to spend with your in-laws? Well, the Drs Rick, in Dealing With People You Can't Stand, advise you work out your magic numbers!

The three numbers you work out are: geography, frequency, and time.

The further you live from them, means the visit will be less often, and last longer. The closer you live means you will see each other more often, but for less time.

So if you live with your in laws, rest assured that you will be seeing a lot of each other, more often than if you lived separate, so don't beat yourself up if you don't spend that much time with them. Go live you life! If you don't, you will end up in the danger zone - where you will start hating and resenting them in your life.

For relatives who live close by, one way of reducing the frequency is to hook up less often, or if that is not possible, reduce the time spent i each other's company when getting together. You could get together less, but make a quick phone call regularly.

If you want to decrease the time you spend together with each other, try to ensure you increase the frequency of your visits. So if you live with your in laws and don't like spending too much time with them, create more opportunities where you can be in the same room with them, perhaps stop in for a quick hat while they have their breakfast - or spend a few minutes during the day catching up. In essence, try to balance the frequency of your get togethers with the amount of time you spend during them, creating a copacetic environment for all concerned.

Rule #57 - Don't eavesdrop on them

2009-07-27T08:15:00.000+01:00

Even though you would love (in a psychotic kind of way) to know what they think of you... don't bother. When your in-laws get together and talk about you, especially during times of conflict, it's not going to be nice, and you are not going to find inner peace by listening to them gripe, and hurl their inner resentments at you.

Leave them to it, and hope and pray that they find some sort of peace by getting all their anger and hurt out, so that you can move on to a happier existence with each other.

Leave them to their moaning and complaining, and fill your heart with happy thoughts and feelings.

Rule #56 - The Right To Pursue Your Best Advantage

2009-07-20T08:11:00.000+01:00

'You have the right to pursue your best advantage as much as your in laws do, aswell as pursuing your rights.

Seek the pleasure of God in how you deal with them - it's easier to get things done/get out of things if you have good character instead of being grumpy.'

- Sheikh Faraz Rabbani

Rule #55 - Don't Insult Them, Walk Away

2009-07-13T08:07:00.001+01:00

Righteous People will solve their problems in a righteous way:

In the face of the injustices of her mother-in-law, the righteous woman won't insult an elder, but she will leave her in-laws place, and go home.... and tell her husband that she is not going back anytime soon.

“I don't have to expose myself to that situation”

She won't be vulgar. She will say to her husband “Honey, It’s your family, I'm not going to stop you from going. It’s not my duty to put up with them, so I'm not going to go.”

-Ustadah Hedaya Hartford

Rule #54 - Let him speak to them how he wants

2009-07-06T08:01:00.002+01:00

If your husband is a respectful and rational guy, he is really not going to yell and scream at his parents when they violate you, or your families rights.

Accept that he will speak to them in a calm way, using the least words as possible to get his message across. While you would love for him to yell 'I do no ever want you to treat my wife so badly again, ever!' Accept the fact that most men solve their problems with much less emotion than how women do.

Don't worry that he doesn't start singing your praises and admonishing them for causing his wife so much distress... just rest with the fact that he is taking conscious steps to protect you, and let that be enough for you.

Rule #53 - Don't worry about being labelled Moody or Stroppy

2009-06-29T08:45:00.002+01:00

Don't worry about looking bad if you haven't done anything wrong.

In-laws have an excellent knack of treating you badly and them making it look like you the one to blame - for example - The Innocent Trick

Don't worry about appearing controlling - you have right to decide how you raise your children, and the right to enforcing family decisions with your husband.

Don't worry about appearing stroppy or moody, you don't have to expose yourself to being treated badly - your husband can spend as much time as he wants with them, and you wont stop him, but you can choose not to.

How To Change The Way You Deal With Difficult People

2009-06-22T07:49:00.003+01:00

Check out this fantastic post... the DIL rules in action, by non other the Dr Rick, from Dealing With Relatives.... I highly recommend this book!

by Dr. Rick Kirschner on June 19, 2009
Read the FULL article here.

"You just need an approach, a method, a process that you can use dependably. Here’s mine. I recommend this process to anyone struggling with difficult people, and have helped clients work their way through it on numerous occasions. It goes something like this:

1. What yanks your chains?

Identify what the behavioral triggers are that push your buttons and rattle your chains by reviewing past experiences in which your difficult person got to you. What did they do? That’s different than thinking about why it bothered you. Instead, just identify their actual behavior. Was it the way they talked to you? How did they talk to you? Was it the way they looked at you? How specifically did they look at you?

2. How do you react?
Do you blame them? Get mental? Distract yourself? Hide what’s going on? Try to fix it? When they do that thing they do, what is it that you do in response?

3. What do you want from you?
What’s the best you can bring to the situation, or the behavior or attitude you’d like to have that, regardless of what they did, you’d be delighted with yourself after the incident?

4. What do you want from them?
Don’t answer this one until you answered the previous one, or you’re likely to get a useless answer, like “I want them to stop doing that!” The point here is to take aim at something. What is the best you can hope for from the other person?

5. Find a role model or construct an idea of how to respond from scratch
Who do you know that knows how to deal with the person? How do they do it? And if you don’t know anyone, who do you know of that might know how to do it? (Fictional or real!) How might they do it?

6. Rehearse it by giving yourself a do-over of a past experience. Get a clear idea of how your role model walks and talks, what they say and how they say it, what they think and feel, and then try it on for size, find out (in the privacy of your mind) if it makes a difference in how you are and how your difficult person responds.

That’s it. Practice makes perfect. This is how we train our nervous systems to do something new in a familiar situation. I think that the key to positive change in ourselves when dealing with habitual (and often emotional) reactions to life not behaving as we wish it would, is pattern disruption.

Learn to do even ONE thing differently, and you change the entire pattern.

Ask the Pastor: Should I Live with In-Laws?

2009-06-16T11:17:00.001+01:00

Q: Do you think it is wise for a newly married couple to live with the bride’s mother (she’s single), either in the same house or in a duplex or two-family house?

"It would be easier to have separate doors and locks, as in a duplex or multi-family housing. Yet if you fear that her mom will attempt to intrude on your marriage, you should make sure that if her mother is your landlady, she respects your doors, your locks, and your privacy. Otherwise, she may be tempted to use her control of the property in order to partially control your life. If you fear that this is a possibility — even if you two think that you could overcome it — do you want to allow this temptation into your mother-in-law’s heart and hands?"

"There are cultures around the world where newlyweds move in with or next door to one of the in-laws. Yet these people usually have defined roles and are prepared ahead of time to defuse conflict. If this isn’t the case with you, then I’d suggest finding other ways to put a roof over your heads or delay the marriage until you can afford your own shelter."

Walter Snyder is the pastor of Holy Cross Lutheran Church, Emma, Missouri and coauthor of the book What Do Lutherans Believe.

Sally on BetterTV

2009-06-11T08:06:00.000+01:00

Watch Sally on BetterTV

Try to call your MIL 'mom'...

Act bashful when she praises you...

Ask for her advice, but keep things simple...

We can tell our own mom's how we feel, but MILs won't understand...

Use reverse psychology on your MIL when she criticises.

The 5 Types of Daughter in Law

2009-06-04T07:42:00.004+01:00

According to mother in-laws, there are at least 5 different types of DILs.

The Angelic Community DIL She is a DIL of a well known family who is perfect in every way; she cooks and cleans and irons for her in-laws - she even bakes cakes. When you go over she serves you and makes her MIL proud. Be warned that your MIL will refer to her regularly and use her as a shining example, overlooking that you probably do much more than her, anyway.

The Rebellious Community DIL She doesn't cook or clean and has her husband wrapped around her finger. Her husband will abandon his own family to meet her whims and desires. Your MIL feels terrible sympathy for this DIL's in-laws yet she will never mention her to you, for the fear of you taking her as an example or that you will start following her cunning ways.

The Victim Community DIL She is a downtrodden DIL who works as a slave in her in-laws home. They make her cook and clean and she has become ill as a result, poor thing. Your MIL will sigh and have pity on her, while you will grit your teeth as your MIL treats you exactly the same way! The reason your MIL refers to this DIL is because she wishes for you to acknowledge what a good MIL she is to you. Try your best to stay quiet, and if possible, try to say something along the lines of, "Thank God my mother in-law is not so controlling!" - if you can, kudos to you!

The Daughter in Law who Moved Out and Took Her Son Away. Uncannily enough, this DIL gets a lot of respect, which probably comes from fear! Your MIL will always praise her (when the DIL is not there, of course) and she can never do wrong. She is manging her kids well, and doing a good job running her household. Your MIL wont talk about her to you a lot as she does fear that you will copy her and move out.

The Daughter in Law Who Lives with Her In Laws - YOU. Last and least, there is you. You are an incompetent housekeeper who doesn't keep the house clean enough and spends far too long on the telephone or out visiting your friends. Your priorities are anything but your husband and you are accused of neglecting him and your children in the pursuit of your own interests. You will never compare to her own skills as a house maker or cook. She will mention your shortcomings a lot. However, at the bottom of her heart she knows that she has gotten a good deal out of you and secretly is extremely grateful that you are not like examples 2 or 4.

So what can you do about this unfair mentality? Nothing! It's best to carry on with your life happily and be yourself. Pursue your desires, reach for the stars and live your life in the best way you can. You're living with your in-laws for some noble reason or the other so remind yourself regularly of why you are doing all this.

If living the dream sounds too far-fetched for you, try to make some changes in your life. Perhaps you are doing a bit too much in the house, and its time to stop. Women are prone for wanting to strive on - even when their energy is depleted. However this will not be attractive to your dh so not only will you overexert yourself for your in-laws, you will be missing out on a great relationship aswell.

Rule # 51 - Who is your priority?

2009-06-02T07:33:00.000+01:00

Try to make sure that in trying to be a good DIL, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, hosting their guests, etc. That you don't lose sight of your own priorities.

Once I helped a lady make a list of all the things that she does as a person. Her 'housekeeper' list was as long as her 'daughter in law duties', her 'mother' list was fairly small, and her 'wife' list contained two things: make breakfast and iron clothes.

This is no laughing matter. as I'm sure a lot of us have been in this situation, and may sadly still BE in this situation. Remember that your husband and kids come first. If you mess up on those two categories you are going to have a terrible marriage which in turn will affect the future of your children. If you are doing too much as a housekeeper and DIL that you are compromising your own self and nuclear family - its time to re-evaluate your purpose in life.

Exercise 4 - Make a list of all that you do

2009-05-28T07:40:00.000+01:00

Make a list of all the areas of your life, including:

Spiritual Devotions
Personal Time - Rest and Relaxation
Wife
Mother
Homemaker
Extended family
Giving to the community

Spend at least 5 minutes on each area, and think of all the things you do for each area of your life. For example:

Spiritual Devotions - prayer, meditation, going to spiritual gatherings
Personal Time - regular naps, visiting friends, going to the park
Wife - adornment, spending quality time, having a pleasant demeanor
Mother - teaching, instilling values, playing
Homemaker - cleaning, cooking, groceries, laundry, ironing
Extended family - in-laws, phoning and meeting your own parents, siblings
Giving to the community - helping other women, helping the school

Doing this exercise gives women an insight into how much energy and time they are dedicating to particular areas of your life. This is also helpful in indicating which areas of your life you are neglecting.

If you focus on just one or two areas of your life then not only will the other areas suffer, but also the areas which you are concentrating on. When we concentrate on specific areas then we start to burn out in this region.

Some examples of over-targeting specific areas of your life:

If we focus too much on our housework, then we tend to become perfectionists and will not quit until total perfection is achieved - and in a house with a minimum of four adults and however many kids you have, this standard is almost impossible to maintain.

If you focus on pleasing your in-laws, they will, sadly, take you for granted and demand more and more from you - which will again cause you to burn out - you will then blame your in-laws for the resentment you feel, and adopt the attitude of 'I have dedicated all my energy to them, why am I not getting anything back?'

However, if you choose to lead a balanced life and give each area of your life equal time, you will result in having a rich and rewarding life, where you will see the fruits of your labour in every aspect of your character.

Rule #50 - They will withhold 99% of praise

2009-05-26T07:25:00.005+01:00

Accept the fact that your in-laws will withhold 99% of all praise and complements in your direction because they believe that if they compliment you, this will give you a big head and affect your performance as a DIL.

Instead of trying to achieve your sense of accomplishment from how much they praise and approve of you, try to focus on yourself and give yourself credit for what you do. Until you are truly happy inside, you will continue to look at them for approval - it's not your fault, you are trying your hardest to accommodate them and would like acknowledgement for that. However, if you dont get it, dont let that diminish your self worth.

I strongly recommend women to make a list of all the things that they do. Make a list of all the jobs you do as a mother, as a housekeeper, as a DIL, as your own person (hobbies, interests, me-time), as a wife, as a Muslim/Christian/Jew/Other Faith; Then feel gratitude for your own self (and for God, who blessed you with these bounties) for being such an accomplishment!

Rule #49 - Avoid Controversial Topics

2009-05-21T08:11:00.004+01:00

In The Daughter in Law Rules, Sally Shield's Rule#44 discourages women from discussing politics and religion with their MILs. In my opinion, the principle behind this rule is to avoid talking about any topics you know will cause your MIL to snort at you and ridicule your opinions.

Dont go there! If you know that certain topics ( eg: home education, organic meat, the new marriage course you are taking, etc.) are going to bring out her dark side, save yourself the breath and heartache and talk about neutral topics, instead: how she's feeling, the grandkids, or your dh.

I'm not saying you dont pursue those controversial areas of your life - go for it and have a great time doing it! Just dont discuss it with you MIL.

Rule #48 - Don't tell him that he isn't supportive.

2009-05-19T08:15:00.000+01:00

If you tell your husband that he isn't supporting or that you don't feel supported, he will feel like he is falling short of doing his job as a husband. He probably already knows that he isn't supporting you, and it will make him feel even worse. When men know their wives are not happy with them, they withdraw. He will probably get defensive about his parents, and will be most likely to resist helping you at all.

Even if it is true, and he isn't supporting you, try to resist telling him this, as you are looking for a way to move forwards, not backwards.

Try to accept what he is doing, and accept what your in laws are doing, and ask yourself what you can do to keep you sane through all the chaos. Perhaps you can go out a visit friend for the day, time some time out to go to the park, spend the day in your room reading your favorite magazines pr books, spend time on the phone with a friend. The trick is to keep yourself happy even though the people around you are doing things that drive you mad.

Rule #47 - Just because he doesn't have the answer, doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

2009-05-14T08:10:00.000+01:00

If you have an otherwise good relationship with your husband which only gets tried and tested when you have 'in-laws' problems, try to remember that just because he isn't helping you solve your problem doesn't mean that he doesn't love you.

He still loves you dearly but doesn't know how to solve this problem. If you accept this, it will help you communicate better with him, as you will be coming from a place of love, not hate.

Rule #46 - Be prepared for The Look

2009-05-12T08:32:00.002+01:00

When you do something that they 'don't approve of', brace yourself to withstand The Look.

This can manifest itself in different designs:

they will glare at you
they will roll their eyes at you
they will not look at you deliberately
they will turn their face the other way

Its okay. You are a responsible adult and can do things your own way. Accept that they will give you The Look.

Rule #45 - They will never be happy with you

2009-05-07T08:27:00.002+01:00

Once you accept that they will never be happy with:

they way you run the house
they way you cook your food
the way you treat their son
the way way you raise your kids

... you will start feeling at peace with yourself. It doesn't matter if you do a 180* and do the total opposite, they still won't be happy!

This is crucial to accept as it will help you to move on and find working solutions instead of spending all your time and energy looking for evidence to prove what you think is true. It is true. They will never be happy with you.

Rule #44 - Be prepared for being told how hard they worked back in their days

2009-05-05T08:13:00.004+01:00

Accept that you will continuously be compared to their younger selves. “When we were young, we worked so hard and never complained!” or “girls these days just don't know how to run a house!”

In fact, think of it as moment to have a heart-to-heart with her and ask her how she managed to do it. She will love this (everyone loves to talk about themselves) and reminisce the glorified days where she had to do it all herself without a washing machine with a strict and controlling mother-in-law. While she is retelling her story, watch her with the utmost admiration and awe, ooh and aah at her trials and you will become the closer for it.

MIL: "Your kitchen is SO DIRTY!"

2009-05-02T08:44:00.002+01:00

If you find a creepy crawly in your flour bin and your MIL starts talking about how important it is to keep your kitchen clean, and not so dirty (as she looks around disapprovingly...)

Instead of getting defensive and saying "My kitchen is clean! Don't you notice anything positive?" just agree with how important it is to keep a clean kitchen, and all the benefits of good hygiene.

If she then starts cleaning up the whole place from top to bottom, hoovering under the fridge and in all the nooks and crannies, (whilst giving you disapproving looks) relish in the fact that your kitchen is getting a good servicing for free, and thank her for being so helpful.

Sure, she is trying to make a point: you don't know how to run a kitchen properly and you're a bad housewife, but why focus on her negative opinion of you?

Feeling In-Law Pressure?

2009-04-30T08:15:00.001+01:00

Watch Byron Katie turn around this woman's negative affirmation that her father puts too much pressure on her.

Once we stop letting other's control how we feel, we can move from a place of victimisation to a place of control and decision. If your in-laws constantly pressure you and complain about what you are doing, take a step back from thier emotions and try to remain calm.

5 Tips for Bringing Out the Best in Your Mother-in-Law

2009-04-28T08:12:00.000+01:00

By Jenna D. Barry

Got Mother-In-Law Problems?
5 Tips for Bringing Out the Best in Your Mother-in-Law

If you get along great with your mother-in-law, then I’m really happy for you. Actually, if I’m being honest, I’m only 60% happy for you and 40% jealous. There are a lot of women who love their husband’s mother because she is kind, considerate, and unassuming. Unfortunately there are many of us with controlling mothers-in-law who believe the world --and everyone in it-- should revolve around them.

My husband’s mom isn’t my best friend, but my relationship with her is better now than it was when I married her son 14 years ago. That’s because I learned how to change my behavior in order to bring out the best in her, and it worked. You’ll never see us skipping around holding hands, but we treat each other with respect.

Here are 5 tips for bringing out the best in your mother-in-law.

1. Realize that each of you have different expectations about your relationship. She may want you to be the daughter she never had, yet you feel smothered by her constant phone calls and visits. Or the opposite may be true; you may want to have a closer relationship with her than she wants with you. She may want to visit the grandkids more often than you’d like, or you may be hurt because she doesn’t want to see them more frequently. Just because you have different expectations doesn’t mean either of you are wrong. Try to meet in the middle.

2. Behave as a confident adult on an equal level to her. If you behave as a confident adult, then your mother-in-law will likely treat you as one. Address her by first name. Many women refer to their mother-in-law as “Mom” or “Mrs. ______” and have a wonderful relationship with her. However, if you have a dominant, controlling mother-in-law, then calling her “Mom” or “Mrs. ______” may put you in an inferior position. Another way to behave as a confident adult is to respond to her comments in a mature manner instead of getting defensive or giving excuses for your actions. If she criticizes the way you raise your kids, just say something like, “You’re entitled to your opinion, but I’ve decided to do it this way instead.”

3. Communicate honestly with her (but not so honestly that you call her a witch). Rather than gossiping to your husband or your own mom, speak directly with your mother-in-law to work out disagreements. Before you talk to her, it might be a good idea to vent your feelings to a counselor or on-line daughter-in-law support group. That way you have a better chance of remaining in control of your emotions rather than throwing eggs at her.

4. Be assertive and enforce boundaries as needed. If you don’t like it when your mother-in-law shows up uninvited, calls 24/7, and criticizes the way you raise your kids, then it’s better to draw boundaries than to grow resentful toward her. For example, let’s say you ask your mother-in-law to call first rather than drop by unexpectedly. (Some daughters-in-law don’t mind if their in-laws show up unexpectedly, so don’t assume your mother-in-law knows your preferences.) You can’t change your mother-in-law’s behavior, but you can change your own by not answering the door. (It’s not any more rude for you to ignore the doorbell than it is for her to drop by unexpectedly after you’ve made it clear you want her to call first.) Eventually she will realize it’s best to call before stopping by, and then you won’t resent her for ignoring your needs. Ideally you and your husband should be united as a couple in drawing boundaries; however, it may be necessary for you to do it alone until you have gained his loyalty. Keep in mind that you can’t control his behavior; don’t be surprised when he answers the door for his uninvited mother even after you’ve drawn a boundary with her. You can only control your own behavior.

5) Treat your mother-in-law the way you’d want your husband to treat your parents. If your husband wanted to draw a boundary with your own mother, how would you want him to treat her? Would you want him to be arrogant and insulting? Or would you want him to be respectful and mature? If you treat your husband’s mom the way you’d want him to treat your mom, then there’s an added bonus of gaining the respect of your husband.

The main reason many women don’t get along well with their mother-in-law is because they feel the constant need to compete with each other for the affection and attention of the same guy. Both you and your mother-in-law are probably contributing to the problem, but your husband is actually the one whose behavior plays a key role in whether or not you and his get along with each other. He has the power to eliminate the need for a competition by making it clear to everyone that you are the most important woman in his life.

On your wedding day, your groom was supposed to transfer his loyalty from his parents to you. In other words, your needs should have become a priority over his mom’s needs. A mother with healthy behavior will gracefully step aside and encourage her son to make his bride his first priority. Your husband’s mother, however, may have made the transition difficult by manipulating him with guilt whenever he tried to make you his first priority. It is possible to gain your husband’s loyalty, and I encourage you to focus on that. In the meantime, make changes in your own behavior and hopefully your husband and his mother will follow your example.

Jenna D. Barry is the author of “A Wife’s Guide to In-laws: How to Gain Your Husband’s Loyalty Without Killing His Parents.”

For more information, please visit www.WifeGuide.org.

Dr Rick Kirschner: What to say to the Meddlers

2009-04-23T08:06:00.000+01:00

Dealing With Difficult People Turning The Table On Meddlers
by Dr. Rick Kirschner on April 17, 2009

"While just about everything in Chet wanted to yell, ‘Dude, back off!’ some small part of him had the wisdom to do the counter-intuitive thing. He decided to treat this interference as a gift, and let himself receive it. He said, “Peter, thanks for caring so much about the quality of my work, and for wanting to help me out. You obviously know a lot about this, and I’m guessing you’re here because you’re not confident in my ability to do this. I’m sure if you were sure, you’d leave me to do it. So here, please, go ahead. Show me how to do it the way you think it should be done.” Chet pushed the tools he had in hand toward Peter. “You do it and let me watch and learn. And when you think I’m ready to do it on my own, I’ll know because you will stand back, stay away, and let me do my work.”

Peter look confused. The tools were waving in front of him, waiting for him to take them up and take this on. Now he had to decide if he really wanted to do Chet’s work. And really, he didn’t! So he stepped back. And just like that, the tables had turned. Peter said, “Thanks, but, uh, you go ahead. Let’s see what you can do on your own.” And he walked away. Chet had given Peter a way to be involved, by not interfering."

Read the full article here

A Happy Home

2009-04-21T07:34:00.002+01:00

...is where you have:

NO GUILT
SAFETY
ABUNDANT TIME

Family Problems & Impact On My Children

2009-04-16T08:14:00.001+01:00

When I am going through family problems, I will ensure that my children are not affected badly.

I will ensure that:

I will take a step back from the problem,

Do the best I can to re-center and re-align,

Speak to them in a loving and supportive way,

If necessary, I will show them my weak and vulnerable side, and explain that I am having a problem/not feeling well,

Be gentle on myself and gentle with them aswell.

I will take the time out to rest with them,

I will stop and listen to what they actually trying to tell me,

I will smile at them more, and remind myself what it is like to laugh.

I draw the line when my children are being affected by my in-law problems.

They deserve to live in a loving and supporting home, and if my lifestyle does not allow that for them, I will have to step away from my in laws and re-focus on my children again.

Rule #43 - Be Prepared - Have A Freezer Full Of Goodies

2009-04-16T07:33:00.002+01:00

When living with in-laws, try to make sure that you always have some frozen pastries/rolls in the freezer just in case they have some unexpected visitors. This will save you the hassle of making something fresh, which will often be time consuming. If you are busy on that day/you have already made plans to go out, you may feel resentful of the extra company, whereas if you have something already frozen, even your MIL can take that out and prepare it.

Brownies Code – Be Prepared!

With your ammunition of household organisation, you can be ready for any twists in the road.

Rule #42 - Reassure Them When They Complain

2009-04-14T11:24:00.000+01:00

You don't come over enough / you just don't like them / you have changed / you don't phone them enough

Rather than getting into an argument where you feel so hurt and misunderstood, it’s time to cut the umbilical cord and reassure yourself that you are no longer the people pleaser, but an adult who is going to act responsibly yet appropriately; And you will act considerately yet give yourself significance for being on this universe.

The Steps of Reassurance:

1) You love them, you really, really do.

2) You want to do this your own way.

3) If they react badly to that, then you feel very sorry for them.

4) You are still going to do this your way.

Finally Being Adults Around Parents

2009-04-09T08:09:00.005+01:00

One of the underlying reasons that we have problems with our in-laws could be that we have a problem with the authoritative parent figure.

Most of us have not come to terms with our relationship with our own parents – we still have a problem with being overly obedient to them, still being in “child” mode. Doing whatever they say, and not being able to say no. What often happens is when your own parents gets you to do something you don't want to do, after decline the first few times, we eventually flip and have a tantrum... back to ‘child’ mode. When we had tantrums as children, our parents would eventually come round and agree to our way of thinking, and we are still carrying that habit on into adulthood, regardless of the fact that our parents are now in their 60s.

If you do have this kind of relationship with your parents, it will only get worse with your in-laws, in fact it may snowball out of control, due to the fact that they are not your real parents, and you will always be thinking ‘I don't have to take this rubbish!’

Thus, when they try their normal ‘parental tactics’ and get you to do things (asking in a nice sweet way, of course), you agree, and do it in order to keep the parental figure happy. They ask a couple more times, and your patience starts to wear thin. Eventually, they ask (now making you feel guilty) on a day when you have a lot on your mind/plate and you *snap* and unleash your animosity at them, and they look absolutely bewildered at what has happened to you.

Unfortunately, we didn't get transition manuals on how to act like and adult once you have left your parent’s nest – but the truth is, we still haven’t learnt to how to grow out of our childish behaviour, and it is now spilling over onto other relationships, which is a deep shame.

Perhaps we as adults need to understand that we have indeed left the nest, and we have our own voice and opinion, and it does count. When our parents would like us to do something, and unwittingly (?) use guilt to manipulate us into doing something we don't really want, we need to grow up and politely decline! Just as we do to the salespeople who stand in the market place trying to get us to donate to a charity! Smile, say no, tell them you’re busy, and that’s it!

What about the guilt and manipulation – the possible tantrum that they throw, and the tears that follow, the asthma attack? Be patient, and weather the storm. This too shall pass. But don't forget to keep smiling (and breathing) and continue to do what you want to. By doing this, you will be sending out the message that

1) you love them, you really, really do.

2) you want to do this your own way

3) If they react badly to that, then you feel very sorry for them.

4) you are still going to do this your way.

How many of us have kids who have reacted so badly when we declined that extra sweet, television program that they cry blue murder until their faces are scarlet and they are trembling? What was the right thing to do – give in? No. The right thing was to say to them “your making an awful fuss about nothing, and when you have quite finished I will be here, waiting for you. My terms have not changed, and I still love you, very, very much.”

And the same goes for all the other people who you can't stand. This could be a sibling, or even a sibling-in-law. If you have mastered the art of saying no to your parents, without being manipulated into doing things you don't want to, you will have the skills to keep all manipulative people at bay.

Examples:

Parental Figure: “Please come over to my house, I have seen you since three days ago, I miss you.”

You: “I would absolutely love to, *smile* it so much fun when we do that. But I’m really busy this week*sad face*.”

Parental Figure: “There must be a way you can fit me in, you do too much! You should make some time to fit me in!”

You: “I'm so sorry, I can't do it this week... Perhaps we can do it next week?”

Parental Figure: “Why did you cook today? I already cooked, who’s going to eat that? You must come over straight away!”

You: “Oh dear, I would love to, but I really want to stay at home today, and enjoy what I’ve cooked. ”

Parental Figure: “That's it! you’re so happy in your own life, you don't care for us anymore do you?”

You: “It’s not that! I do care about you *emphatically*, it’s just that I really enjoy cooking my own food, I’ll come over another day.”

Parental Figure: “You have phoned since last week! You have forgotten about me! You don't care!”

You: “Oh mum! I could never forget about you! I have been meaning to call but just didn't get round to it!”

Parental Figure: “Yeah right! If you missed me you would have called!”

You: “Oh I did miss you. How are you anyway....”

Two Families With Different Needs & Wants

2009-04-07T08:43:00.002+01:00

Try to remember that due to whatever reason, you are living in a situation which is not (even Islamically) ideal.

A Muslim woman has the right to her own living quarters – which means her own bedroom, kitchen and bathroom.

If you are not doing things in the proper way – you will inevitably have problems.

So, you have problems! What now?

Now is the time to consciously put your boundaries into place.

There are two families living in one house, and both families will have their own individual needs. Try to reach a solution where both families can live happily.

If one person wants to have a dinner party every weekend, and the other family is not okay with this, then a compromise has to be reached.

It is NOT okay to have a dinner party every week... unless both families are okay with this! Chances are that the people coming to the dinner party every week are doing out of obligation, anyway - because it is a family tradition that they have to comply with...

Rule #52 - The Art of Compromise - Baby Steps

2009-04-02T20:21:00.003+01:00

Accepting your limitations may require you to search for new solutions.

Remember when trying to reach a solution it may not be equal compromise at first.

However, this is extremely valuable when the other party is refusing to make any allowances at all, as it will give you scope and hope for further discussion and victory.

Rule #41 - Imposing Visitors & Finding A Healthy Balance

2009-03-31T08:11:00.000+01:00

Another area of conflict common in families that live together is when they impose their visitors on you. This is an imposition on personal space.

You are have had a busy day and would like to switch off and unwind and "Ding-dong!" The door bell chimes and its your sister in law with her 6 kids who says hello and beams, "We've come to visit grandma!".

Another scenario here could be that you have finished your housework and have made a plan to get together with a friend for coffee, your just about to leave and "Ding-Dong!" The door bell chimes, and its MILs best-friend. Your MIL looks at you and asks you to fix the tea.

This could work the other way where your in-laws have had a fulfilling week with their children, and they would like to have a peaceful time in front of CNN, when all of a sudden, you arrive with your MPV full of school children and tell everyone brightly "Junior's having a slumber party with his closest friends!"

Always try to be considerate when having friends, and encourage your in-laws to do the same. Give each other advance notice so you can mentally prepare yourselves.

If your in-laws do not give you notice, and have company over unexpectedly, or even - give you notice, but have company over so often that you have no peace, work on finding a healthy balance where both parties can be happy.

A compromise will have to be made, and both parties may have to make a sacrifice - but rest assured, having a harmonious house is much more important than getting your way all of the time.

Rule #40 - Don't attack him (verbally)

2009-03-26T08:06:00.000Z

Master the art of disclosing your feelings to your husband in a non-attacking manner.

When you speak to him with regards to in-law problems, don't attack him with your words, such as "You're not there for me!", "Your not a supportive husband!" or "They are treating me like dirt and you don't even care!" Otherwise he will feel triggered to defend himself and even them, instinctively.

Use "I" statements and let him know how you are being affected by your in-laws, and that you need him to help you to come to a solution.

Talk about yourself and how it affects you. Talk about how much it would mean to you if he helped you. Express how much you value his support and how secure it would make you feel.

Who I Am And What I Am Calling For...

2009-03-23T12:00:00.003Z

About Me & My Mission

I have lived with my in laws since I got married and for a long time put up with their insulting behaviour. Remarks about how I should be raising my kids, cleaning my house, dressing myself, washing my clothes, phoning my friends, having too much things going on in my life.... you get the picture! They were upset with me when I didnt comply, angry when I took the initiative to do something I wanted to, and basically wanted me to do whatever they said – and for the majority of the time, I did!

Then things got too much – I had put up with it long enough and I was getting depressed. I used to dread coming back home when I had a good day out with friends or community service. My home was not my haven and I started asking my husband to take me out more and more... just to get away – yet I was so tired from the housework and kids, I just wanted to stay at home, curl up on the sofa and relax!

Then things changed... I started becoming more outspoken, confident and forthright. And they didn't like it! We started having feuds – the simplest request would turn into a war! And I started to get more and more ill. One day the doctor commented how much my health was playing up and insisted on blood tests – and that day was a wakeup call that I was letting everyone walk over me, and only I was suffering. If I ended up with a serious illness who would I blame? Who would I point fingers to? As much as I would have liked to blame them, I realised that it was all my fault. I had put up with it. It was time to stop.

Since then I have come a long way. I have become more independent, and I count myself as a human being, too! I want other DILs to be strong from day one, and not put up with what I did.

I am calling for harmony in the house, and a think there is a way to having success when living with in laws. Be nice. Do what you want, and let them do what they want. And if anyone steps on anyone else’s toes, understand that there is a problem, and work together to solve it. I think I could have avoided a lot of heartache had I done this from day one.

I think the main problems that women have when living with another family is lack of privacy, lack of time to do things you want to, and lack of support from the husband. I think this lack of support comes from a problem in communication – we simply are not diplomatic as our great grandmothers were – who also lived in huge family systems.

A couple can fight the world and overcome many hurdles – money problems, employment issues etc, as well as in-law problems if they are a close unit themselves – if they communicate well and understand each other. We need to get our point across without attacking, we need to state our desires without whining or nagging, we need to uphold our boundaries by taking a gentle yet firm stance, and not being a pushover.

I still have a lot more rules to write, and a lot more work to do on this website, so bear with me. I am going to add a section on how to communicate with your husband, also a section for how we can influence our husbands to change and become stronger men.

Thanks for joining me on my journey!

Renee Osman.

Rule #39 - Don't Get Caught Up in Emotional Blackmail

2009-03-16T08:32:00.004Z

As is true with a lot of Eastern parents - total obedience and compliance is expected from their children whilst growing up - in the name of 'good child rearing', children are taught to be overly obedient.

A big mistake that Eastern parents make is to devote their whole life to their children - especially their sons. They want their sons to be successful, well educated, and make many sacrifices for their children. These two ingredients: a demand for total obedience plus sacrificial parents are a recipe for disaster!

The end-product are parents who made so many sacrifices for their children and now expect total obedience and compliance from them, and if they don't get it - havoc wreaks! Emotional blackmail is almost always used to make the grown-up child feel guilty for having any personal needs or rights that don't comply with the wishes of the parents - after all, they sacrificed their personal needs and right for their kids - they want a good return for their investment!

Unfortunately - they made a big mistake - it is not acceptable for parents to emotionally blackmail their children, just because they sacrificed their own needs for them. It was very nice of what they did - and grown-up children can show their appreciation in other ways - spend quality time with them, take them out places, buy them gifts. What happens however, is due to the emotional blackmail, grown-up children often feel so suffocated and debilitated due to their parents, that they "hear and obey" their parents - but the love and tenderness has gone. They do it out of obligation - not to show their appreciation for their parent's sacrifices.

If your parents/in-laws are trying to emotionally blackmail you, continue to breathe! Remain calm, keep your manners in check; validate what they are saying, (Rule #10 - Agree with Their Perspective) but eventually drum up the courage to do what is best for you as an adult, and as a family.

Stay strong and develop new methods and techniques to get the most out of your life - you can have the cake and eat it too, if done with wisdom!

If you do this - there is light at the end of the tunnel. When you wont feel resentful and suffocated from emotional blackmail, you will be able to communicate with them from a place of love and appreciation. And even though they don't know it - this is what they ultimately want: To be appreciated for all the hard work they did when you were young.

Fab Job! vs Boo!

2009-03-16T00:19:00.003Z

At times I may write things which you find helpful - in which case, do leave a comment!

Other times, if you think what I'm saying is a load of #&!$%~! please feel free to throw a tomato at me and let me know - this is a learning experience for me aswell, and without feedback, I wont be able to get very far!

Those Pesky Unappreciative Eastern MILs

2009-03-15T23:57:00.007Z

In response to the post: Rule #39 - Use some of Dr Huang's Poison, Anonymous posted a comment:

"Most Pakistani MIL believe their dil should be doing this for them any way so it never works, i don't think Sally can even imagine what Pakistani/Indian MIL expect from their dil."

Hi there!

I don't know much about your situation, so i cant really give a specific reply, only a general one. I do know that a lot of Eastern women (including me) feel bitter about their MIL's behaviour... but oftentimes its a case of the DIL being made to feel like the "bad guy". If we get over that - and accept that MIL will always think of us as the bad guy (due to jealousy, feeling left out, etc.) - but not let it affect us and still be nice - wouldn't that be progress?

I know a lot of DILs who put up with things they shouldn't have - I sure did! Now we feel resentful. Below the belt insults should not be tolerated, nor should unreasonable requests - and if MIL has a problem with that - let her! But do stay your sweet self whilst upholding your values, boundaries and limitations.

A lot of Eastern DILs are encouraged to use Dr Huangs Love Potion, yet they dont follow Rule #29 - Don't Put Up With Injustice. I truly beleive that if a woman can balance being loving and kind, and simultaneously demand her rights calmly in the face of conflict, she can get good results.

Try to remember to do acts of kindness for no other reason than that is what is pleasing to God. Your not doing it because your MIL deserves it - you're doing it because it pleases the Almighty.

I think the key here is for DILs to hold their own ground, whilst being nice and friendly. There's nothing more powerful to see a woman speak in a calm manner that she will not tolerate being violated, and if others cant deal with that then they have to realise that they have some growing up to do...

How does that make you feel? Feel free to throw a tomato at me if you don't like what I'm saying...

Renee.

Rule #39 - Use some of Dr Huang's Love Poison

2009-03-14T09:50:00.007Z

Did you read the story of Li-Li? It's being discussed in Sally's Discussion Forum.

Well, she goes to a Chinese Herbalist and asks for some poison with which she can kill her MIL! And apparently it's not poison, but vitamins for her good health!

Well, I think this poison is the essence behind Sally's Ethos. Just sprinkle some love and affection on all the words you say to your MIL and she should magically change.

Try it, it probably works, but no-one wants to admit it!

I'm off to discuss the poison with Sally - I think she should come out with her own brand....

Dilemma: Nothing Cheers Her Up!

2009-03-13T22:20:00.006Z

DIL Dilemmas, Answered by the Experts

Q: Well, what if you live with her, she has nothing but criticism or moodiness for you, and nothing you do can cheer her up? What does the MIL Manager say to that? Just do my best, smile and be on my merry way?

DIL Dilemma answered by:

Sally Shields
http://thedilrules.ning.com/forum/topics/isnt-there-another-way-to-look

A: "Well, even beyond just smiling and ignoring.. consider bringing her a flower or a hot cup of tea or a little soap or lotion that doesn't cost much, but the trick is to NOT expect anything in return. The trick is to do these little random acts of kindness because it makes YOU feel better about yourself and of course, she will feel worse and worse about her treatment of you if you continue to do little kind things.

Of course that is a side benefit and we shouldn't expect it, but you will see the magic starting to happen. Just a thought. It takes time...Here is a little story that is going to go into the next, illustrated edition of the DIL Rules, to illustrate that point:

Story of a Daughter-in-law, Li Li

A long time ago in China, a girl named Li-Li got married & went to live with her husband and mother-in-law. Their personalities were very different, and Li-Li was angered by many of her constant criticisms. Finally, Li-Li could not stand her mother-in-law's dictatorship any longer, so she went to see an herbalist and asked if he would give her some poison. Mr. Huang said, "Li-Li, every other day prepare some delicious meal and sprinkle some on her plate. And when she is dying, be careful to obey her every wish, and treat her like a queen.”

In a few months’ time, the mother-in-law's attitude towards Li-Li changed drastically, and they were now treating each other like a real mother and daughter. And Li-Li's husband was very happy to see the two most important women in his life finally getting along.

One day, Li-Li went to see the herbalist. “Dear Mr. Huang, please provide an antidote to keep the poison from killing my mother-in-law, as she's changed into such a nice woman, and I love her as if she were my very own mother.” Mr. Huang smiled and nodded his head. "Li-Li, you have nothing to worry about, as the herbs I provided were vitamins to improve her health. The only poison was in your mind and your attitude, but that has been all washed away by all the love and respect which you gave her.”

http://thedilrules.ning.com/forum/topics/isnt-there-another-way-to-look

A Wife's Guide to In-Laws

2009-03-13T21:43:00.003Z

You wait 13 years for a bus (I mean, In-Laws solution), and then 5 come at once - I'm telling you, 2009 is going to be a good year for the DILs!

Step in, Jenna D. Barry - a DIL who is making a difference! She has a website: http://wifeguide.org/ with a Yahoo Support Forum: GreatWives Unbelieveable!

Click here to read excerpts from the book - it's super!

Everybody Loves Raymond But Hates His Parents

2009-03-13T21:27:00.002Z

By Jenna D. Barry
http://www.exploringwomanhood.com/relationships/raymond.htm

Why does everyone love Raymond? I'd like to smack him upside the head.

To set the record straight, I love the show "Everybody Loves Raymond" (because I can relate to it) and I'll bet that in real life Ray Romano is a wonderful, loyal husband and confident adult. But his character on the show is a gutless wimp who constantly ignores his wife's needs in order to please his narcissistic parents.

Read full article

For more helpful information about coping with in-laws, please visit my website at http://wifeguidetoin-laws.blogspot.com/. By Jenna D. Barry

Renee here: This is a totally fab article, I love the show only because I can relate to it!

Dealing With People You Can't Stand

2009-03-13T20:06:00.009Z

You don't have to be the victim of other people!

This easy to read guide will give you strategies to deal with Tank attacks, Grenade tantrums, Snipers, Know-it-Alls, Think-they-know-it-alls, Whiners, Yes, Maybe, No, and Nothing people!

Watch Dr Rick Kirschner on dealing with conflicts

Listen to Dr Ricks Podcasts: http://drkblog.com/podcasts

Everyone has to deal with Relatives, love them or not!

The Drs. Rick offer specific strategies on how to save your sanity and bring out the best in family, even at their worst. Specific 'how tos' for: Meddlers, Martyrs, Generals, Judges, Rebels, VIPs and more.

Dealing With Relatives: Read excellent extracts online

Rule #38 - Offensive Mess - Feminine Care Products

2009-03-13T07:52:00.006Z

Back on the topic of Offensive Mess.

Sally Shields' Rule #43 has a profound amount of wisdom in it - wrap up your sanitary products before throwing them in the bin.

Think about it - MIL is having a shower, feels all fresh and lovely and opens the bathroom bin to throw away an empty bottle of shampoo - and she is greeted with a sight that makes her cringe - especially if she is of the OCD kind! No wonder she is always snapping at you!

Get into the habit of buying some fragranced nappy sacks whenever you top-up your feminine supplies and wrap up your stuff before throwing it away. And don't forget to empty the bathroom bin into the main rubbish bin as soon as you have cleared up.

I know, I know you probably thinking its unfair to have to do this in your own house... but when your not living in the idealest of circumstances, sometimes you have to do a whole lot of extra things that are not ideal. Would you like to see your MILs mess in the bin after a pampering bubble bath? Don't forget this is also good practice if you have sons who are maturing. This rule also applies to babies' nappies aswell.

Time to take a deep breath, give yourself a treat, and renew your intention!

Rule #37 - Understand That Your MIL Has Traits Common In ALL Elderly People

2009-03-12T19:40:00.004Z

If you are destined to live with your in-laws in their old age, you may find it beneficial to study a social work course on learning about older people. Even though it is convenient to think that your MIL is mistreating you just because she is out to get you, you may notice that your own parents are behaving in the same manner!

These characteristics are common in all elderly people - not just your mother in law, and if you equip yourself with the tools to understand and deal with the elderly you will find it easier to live peacefully.

A course recommended to me by an an experienced Living With In Laws DIL is:

Caring for Older People Course
A Distance Learning Course of 7 Lessons

Course Description
The care of older people is a complex and skilled branch of health care. To be effective, carers need to be knowledgeable, flexible and positive in their interventions. This course's objectives are based on the idea that care of older people needs to be holistic. This means that in order to be effective a carer must consider the client from biological, psychological and sociological viewpoints.

It is essential to underpin this holistic assessment with an insight into the relationships between the client's individual needs and the attitudes and resources that currently exist in the UK. In each session you will find activities which help you to explore both the situation experienced by the older person and your own beliefs and value systems.

Course Syllabus
The impact of demographic trends in caring for older people
The Social Context of Care for Older People
Provision of Care Within a Mixed Economy
Helping older people achieve independence
The Physiology of Ageing
Promoting Health in Older People
Holistic Care for Older People

For a more detailed syllabus on this course, click here

Rule #36 - Watch out for the 'Innocent' Trick

2009-03-11T19:31:00.010Z

Parents have a sneaky way of torturing their grown-up children.

They will not do it by ranting and raving (well they do that one aswell, but that one isn't sneaky), they will do it by giving you an innocent 'look' and be deeply wounded by what you are saying. They will open their eyes wide, and say breathlessly, "Why are you so upset, I never said such a thing!"

Well - when you are fighting this sweet battle - keep your cool! When the guilt kicks in - "How could I have upset my sweet little mother?" (/ in-law), remember it is a crafty TRICK and she really is trying to brush her latest antics under the rug.

You are trying to make a point here by standing your ground, so treat yourself kindly for having stood up for your rights. If she really was that sweet and innocent, you wouldn't be a grown-up encountering problems from your MIL, would you?

Dilemma: Big Row

2009-03-10T09:36:00.003Z

DIL Dilemmas, Answered by the Experts

Q: Hi – I live in a really high contact in law setting, and I told my husband that I would rather not go out with alllll the in-laws (including extended in laws aswell!) as I wanted to stay at home and relax – and he decided he didn’t want to go either!

However, when he told his family that we weren’t going to go, my in laws went totally berserk! My MIL ended up crying and making my dh feel awful! I decided to stay calm, as this had nothing to do with me… I stayed in the garden whilst the kids played, even though my heart was pounding in my head! Later, when everything had gone queit, I went and asked dh if he was okay, and he didn’t want to talk about it.

For the first time in my life, I am trying to remain in good spirits after a family fight, and I find him really not wanting to talk about it. Its so hard! Normally, I would go up to him, and in a feminine gentle manner, try to get all the details out of him regarding what happened! I want to know what happened, was my name tarnished in anyway?!!?!! I want the chance to defend myself if anything bad was said about me. But I keep on thinking I mustn’t do that, I should let him deal with his problem they way he needs to.

Was it wrong of me to want to stay at home?

DIL Dilemma answered by:

S Louisiana

Marriage Advisor – Currently on extended sabbatical leave

A: You are really going for it lady ! You are doing it all so well......gentle, uncompromising yet considering all angles and still, in the midst of that, maintaining a heart connection with your dh when it would be easy to separate in fear of all the hell breaking out around you !

Absolutely do not ask your dh what happened, show your complete trust in him that he will work something out here.....he is starting to wake up to something and you need to give him a lot of time and space to figure out the next step because if you continue to be gently honest as you are, the family will continue to freak out with their demands and he is starting to see the flaw in this picture.....so I would say absolutely do not do anything other than continue to be gentle and stand your ground about what you need....my goodness this just shows what happens when 1 person decides to stand up and say No to the status quo because of what they are knowing inside to be their truth !

Everyone else (except your dh who listened carefully to your heart message to him) freaked out !! the whole boat rocks !! But as long as you stay calm your kids will stay calm and happy and your dh will be doing a lot of silent cogitation about your present life circumstances. He did a very brave thing today because of you. Facing down the entirety of one's family with all those screaming women is not an easy thing for a man to do.

Your way of being is forcing a growing up to occur for him and for you....My goodness you're doing so well! But it won't feel nice. I guess the womenfolk will go either way, if they are honest and kind they will see they may have been unreasonable, if they are mean they will make life uncomfortable for you.....such is life when you stand up for what you know.....

Rule #35 -Follow the Food Code

2009-03-09T10:15:00.003Z

For large family get togethers, cooking food for 15 people can be very trying, especially if you already live with in-laws and have to cook large meals every day!

Here’s the Food Code!

Normal day-to-day family get togethers: tea, cake and biscuits. Have plenty of supplies in the house.
Special Casual Get together - have a one dish tea party – everyone brings a sweet or savoury dish each and have it with tea/fruit juice.
Special Formal Family Get Together (e.g. Eid, Christmas) – have a one-dish dinner party, where the hostess requests each family to bring one main meal dish. Serve with salad, rice/bread/pasta and a dessert.
A Very Special Treat – where you feel like cooking for everyone just to bring pleasure and joy into everyone’s lives – do it yourself, but try to keep it simple.

Rule #34 - Dont regret having your old coping mechanisms

2009-03-09T09:29:00.003Z

If you’re anything like me, when you find out that you could have done things differently, and things could have been so much better – you can often become so disheartened.

It is important to realise that ways you reacted in the past were coping mechanisms you put in place in order to survive the experiences you went through.

Now is the time to change, to acknowledge that you did the best you could, and feel proud that you had the wisdom to put those coping mechanisms into place – had you not had these survival techniques you could have gotten severely sick, broken down or even divorced from the man you love. :(

I’m here to tell you that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and you can put those old patterns to the side and step up with a new empowered way of being!

This is the new me, and I love it!

What Do You Want From Me?

2009-03-09T08:46:00.005Z

"In Apter's study, two-thirds of women said they felt their mothers-in-law were jealous of their relationships with the sons, while two-thirds of mothers-in-law said they felt excluded by their sons' wives."

Read the full article here:
http://www.time.com/time/printout/0,8816,1863282,00.html

Daughter In Law Rules Forum

2009-03-07T10:32:00.003Z

Introducing the all new Sally Shield's Daughter in Law Rules Forum!

I have a feeling 2009 is going to bring a lot of peace into the world!

My MIL is away right now - just wait till she gets back, I'm going to smother her with lovin! LOL!

We can do this everyone!

Assignment 3: Choose Your Battles Carefully

2009-03-06T16:50:00.007Z

You cant live with your in laws and win each battle yourself or you will end up living with bitter and resentful people, who find you rigid and uncompassionate.

John Gottman has an excellent exercise in his book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work":

Draw a circle on a paper, and then draw a bigger one around it. In the inner circle, make a list of all your big battles - things you cant compromise on. In the outer circle, make a list of all your small battles - inconsequential issues which don't affect you that much.

Wherever you can, let them win the small battles. In doing that, you are investing success into the big battles.

Helping Out The Over-Burdened Hostess

2009-03-04T19:51:00.004Z

Umm Z recently left a comment on the article: Advice on How to Live with Your In-Laws

She asked the following question:

I wanted to ask a question regarding my mother in law, whom I have a good relationship with. You said above that you should ask for help when you need it. My MIL is elderly, late 60s, and has other daughter in laws as well. I do my best to serve her whenever possible. I don't live with her unlike her other DIL, but we (all the DILs and sons) meet together for a family meal on Sundays. this seems to be putting a burden on my dear MIL and I think it's time that we DILs put in some effort and shared the chores including making the Sunday meal. I have suggested it previously but the other DILs have said they can't cook. do you have any suggestions?

---------------------

Hi, Umm Z!

Let me start by saying that the article you mentioned was not written by me – it was written by Francesca Di Meglio, for About.com.

This is a very interesting question. You seem to be her sole supporter right now so well done for noticing that someone in your family is feeling the burden, and I applaud you for trying to take steps to make her burden lighter. Try your best to continue to support her. It is really hard when all the burden of being hostess falls on to one person, and it is so sad when no-one cares to ask "How are you coping with all this work?". We need more people like you in family systems!

I have mulled over your question for a few days, and feel that there is no right or wrong answer here, it all depends what works for you and your family. A number of possible solutions come to mind:

1. I think part of the solution lies with your mother-in-law. Try talking to your mother-in-law – does she truly enjoy what she is doing? Many mothers prefer to have a lot of contact with their children and would rather be tired and exhausted as long as the family is around. If she does enjoy it, and is not feeling the burden, let things be.

2. However, if she is feeling upset that no-one helps her, and you feel that trying to enrol the other DILs hasn't helped matters, maybe you could persuade your mother-in-law to start having one dish parties. In fact, this question has reminded me of one of my pending rules – "Always try to have a one-dish party instead of a full blown dinner." If your mother-in-law requests this, then the DILs would listen, right? Or I may be wrong, as some DILs don't want to get involved at all with the cooking, but are more than happy to come and eat every weekend, which is quite disappointing.

3. Your mother-in-law may be too embarrassed to ask for help – you should try to encourage to admit it's hard for her, and request help. Remind her that life in this country is not like life back in the East where women had maids and servants to help with the cooking and cleaning, and she shouldn't feel ashamed to declare that she is "not coping". If what she was doing was so easy, then why aren't the other DILs doing it aswell? The answer to that one is that the DILs know that it is hard to cook for so many people every week, and don't want to do something they are not happy about.

4. I would encourage to get more people to side with your mother-in-law – the key persons being her sons. Try to explain to your husband what is going on, and explain that your other SILs are not being co-operative with your suggestions, and try and get your husband to talk to his siblings to reach a solution.

5. Another solution would be to gather every weekend, but not for dinner. Just tea, cakes and biscuits. This is an ideal way for families to get together regularly with no formalities. Your mother-in-law may not be comfortable with this, as she will feel she is not being a proper hostess if she doesn't serve a full dinner. Gently explain to her that it's all about the company, not the food.

6. Remember that not all the family members may share the same idea of "fun" – they may want to spend the weekend at home and not have to mingle at the mother-in-law's house every weekend – in today busy lifestyle, weekly social outings can be very tiring. If you find that this is the case, try to explain to your mother-in-law – or get your husband to explain to her that it is NOT necessary to have get togethers every week – perhaps you could make it a fortnightly/monthly thing, and every other weekend she can have just one family over? Your husband may also need to talk to your father-in-law as he maybe trying to coerce your mother-in-law to keep up with family traditions.

These are a few suggestions – let me know how they sit with you? Once again, well done for being a part of the solution, and not the problem. Your MIL will remember you for this!

With Peace and Warmest Wishes, Renee.

Rule #33 - Don't Ask Him Why

2009-03-03T21:30:00.004Z

Avoid asking your husband questions such as: "Why did your mum say this?", or "Why did she do that?" etc or you can be guaranteed his defense walls will come slamming down and he will shut you out.

He knows what his family are like, and doesn't know why! We don't really need to know why they are the way they are - although it probably would help us understand them. For now, just accept them as they are, and try to work on fixing the problem in a non-accusing way.

Express to your husband how hurt you feel when the said/did what they did, trying your best not to hurt his feelings at the same time, and not asking for any explanations; Express your hurt, show your vulnerability, and let him mull over that - rather than having him spew over the fact that you think his darling momma (who gave him everything as a child) is not your idea of a saint.

Advice on How to Live with Your In-Laws

2009-02-26T07:51:00.002Z

Advice on How to Live with Your In-Laws

By Francesca Di Meglio, About.com

People end up living with their in-laws for a variety of reasons. Either one of you is having financial difficulties and living together helps you save money or someone is sick and requires special care or your culture requires that you live together. Whatever the reason in-laws live together, it is never an easy life. You’ll probably get on each other’s nerves. There will be times when either or both of you wants more privacy or independence. And resentment will likely build.

(...)

Still, living with the in-laws will only work if you put in effort and prepare properly. Here are some ways you can make living with the in-laws easier for everyone:

Set boundaries: (...) The important thing is to create some guidelines that will help you get along and feel comfortable regardless of who is living with you.

Find privacy: (...) All the better if you and your in-laws can have your own apartments with little kitchens within the same complex or building. Then, you don’t have to see each other all the time, and it is like having your independence but still relying on one another or fulfilling obligations.

Stay out of family arguments: (...) If your husband or wife starts fighting with the primary family, stay out of it. Go into another room and try to breathe. Let them ride it out together. Sometimes, the arguments happen just until everyone gets used to living together and finds his or her own rhythm.

Pick your battles: (...) It’s consistent behavior or comments that you have to address.

Ask for help when you need it: (...) Your marriage should remain the number one priority.

Click on this link to read the full article

Rule #32 Learn to Love Your Non-Offensive Mess

2009-02-25T10:55:00.001Z

If you have followed Rule #2 Clear Your Mess, and Rule #3 Create a Personal Space, you should to accept that any other mess lying around - children's clothes on their bedroom floors, magazines you were reading and didn't put away, the vacuum needs to be done - is "unoffensive" as far as Living with In-Laws is concerned.

Of course, if you don't sort out your kids' rooms they will get terribly messy, and if you you don't put away your mags after you've read them they can start piling up, and if you don't hoover regularly you will end up with a dirty house that will be harder to clean than if you did things regularly. We are not talking about living like pigs here - we are talking about not becoming frantic and obsessive to have everything looking perfect and keeping the in-laws happy!

Unoffensive mess is a part of life - it comes and goes, and should be done in your own time, in balance. Your kids toys don't always have to be put back in the toy box after they have gone to bed - although it is good practice to teach them to do it themselves; try not to get into the habit of always keeping your house in pristine condition. You know as well as I do that a woman who lives alone with her nuclear family automatically has less work to do, less cleaning to do, and less pans to wash at the end of the day - make things easy for yourself.

Learn to love your mess! You are not a bad person if you don't empty the dish drainer after washing the dishes, if you don't hang your coat up when you come in, if you don't put your shoes away, etc. This is your house too, so leave your mark!

If your MIL complains that you are not clearing up, assure her in the most friendliest voice you can muster, that you are going to clear it up -just-as-soon-as-you-get-a-free-moment.

If she sees you sitting down afterward reading your favourite book, and says "You should finish off your work before you sit down to read!" Remember Rule #31 and say "Oh, I just thought I'd take out some time to relax. I'll get right back to work once I'm done." (and don't forget to smile!)

Rule #31 - You can have a rest even if all your work isn't completed!

2009-02-25T10:50:00.010Z

House work is an ongoing task - it never ends. You can vacuum & polish your house until it smells as fresh as a daisy, but give it two days and it will have collected all the dust and litter to make it look like you never vacuum! Even still, you have to make sure you respect your physicial limitations by taking time out to relax.

Well, I am here to give you permission to take regular rest-breaks even when you still have housework left to do. No more guilt - okay? If you're tired, or your back starts hurting due to being at the grindstone, you're going to sit down and relax until you feel rejuvenated to continue.

Now - here's the thing - MIL will walk in, see the cooking utensils scattered around the kitchen, notice a laundry basket full of clothes that need to be put away, and frown at you, as you are still in your pyjamas, curled up, reading your favourite mag.

Here's what to do: Look up at her and give her a smile, ask her what she's doing, how she's feeling... and get back to that mag again. If she asks you "Why have you stopped scrubbing, Cinderella?" reply with (brace yourself oh ye downtrodden DILs) "I thought I'd sit down, relax and recharge!" And if her jaw drops open at your audacity and insolence, pick an article that you think will interest her and start to tell her all about it! Most probably she will not agree with what you are reading and leave the room. If she starts cleaning up herself, let her do what makes her happy - you are, aren't you?

Got some lovely feedback....

2009-02-25T08:29:00.002Z

"I think your in-laws blog is INGENIOUS and vital.

You will be single handedly reducing the UK/worldwide divorce rate/domestic violence rate/suicide rate/throwing the TV out the window rate/throwing the MIL out the window rate.

You are really onto something! "

Thanks hon - hope it works out that way! - R

Rule #30 Dont Change When They Are Around

2009-02-23T20:22:00.005Z

Work on Assignment 2 and BE YOURSELF when your In-Laws are around.

Make sure to carry on doing what you are doing even if they walk in and question what you are up to. Its OK to rest when you want, and it's OK to sit around doing nothing if that's what takes your fancy. Make sure you don't break Rule #2 & #3

If they ask what your doing, tell them!

"Just relaxing!"
"Thought I'd read some of my book - its just so interesting"
"On the phone with my friend!"

Don't forget to smile at them!

Assignment 2 - Are You Being Yourself Around Your In-Laws?

2009-02-23T19:34:00.005Z

I know a lot of DILs who feel too awkward/scared to be themselves around their in-laws.

Sure its fine for other DILs to be on their "best behaviour" when they go over to visit their in-laws. But what about those of us who live with them? A lot of women I know are too nervous to put their feet up on the sofa or even lie down on the couch in front of their in-laws!

We all know this is ridiculous - so why do we do it?

We feel like we will be perceived as lazy,
Our in-laws will think we have too much time on our hands and ask us to do something else (so we better keep busy, lol),
Our in-laws will question us about why we are sitting down when there is still x,y,z to do.

Well! Our next assignment is to be ourselves and do what we want to do for the next week - can you handle it?

I want you to find all the ways you are not true to yourself, and make a note of them. Start to notice and record all the ways you "change" when you are around your in-laws, for example:

Do you find yourself engrossed on the net and the moment your in-laws walk in you quickly get up and get on with the housework?
You're sat watching TV and your MIL walks through the front door so you get up and get back to the cooking.
You're doing the cooking and decide to use your multitasking skills to check your mail, suddenly your MIL comes into the kitchen so you run back to check your cooking.

Work on each destructive habit until you can ultimately be yourself around them and not do anything differently.

This next week, you are going to do the following things when you want! (Of course you must be responsible about this privilege I am giving you - I don't want a bunch of ladies banging on my door!) What I mean by responsible is to do your housekeeping and cheffing duties and tend to your hubby and kids aswell, and after that, (lol - will there be any time left? Of course, in your MIL's eyes!)... after that, you are going to do the following (without hiding) at you own leisure:

Rest, Sit Down, Lie Down, Curl up and read a book,
Chat to your friends/family on the phone,
Visit friends ,
Watch TV and use the PC.

Have you read Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway? Lol, now's the time!

OK - So what do we do when dear MIL asks why your sat on your bum? You smile and say sweetly "Oh I just thought I'd take a rest!". If she starts reminding you of how x,y,z isn't done yet, agree with her! Here's a typical dialogue:

MIL: You know, you really should get the cooking started before you sit down"

DIL: Yes... your right mum, I should. I'm just taking a rest."

MIL "OK. Hmm.. Well you could always do that after the cooking you know!"

DIL: "Yes..... Its good to do the cooking first. I'm just taking a rest"

MIL: "I always used to work first then play"

DIL: "That's so good mum, you did the right thing!

MIL: "Well, you should do the same thing, it works you know! Girls these days just don't know how to run a house efficiently"

DIL: "Yes..... your right." (look up, smile, and then and stay sat on you bottom, girl, I know you can do it!)

Let me know how it goes!

You're Not Nice to Them Because They Deserve It

2009-02-22T00:23:00.003Z

Realize that you are nice to your in-laws because God loves it and not because they deserve it.

That isn’t to say you have to be a door mat – it’s good to set healthy limits just do it in a firm and polite way – if it wasn’t difficult it wouldn’t be a test and God loves those with patience.

When can you have patience except in difficulties?

- Ustadah Hedaya Hartford, SunniPath Teacher

Parents Can Be Wrong, Too!

2009-02-21T23:45:00.003Z

"You have to understand that no one wants more for you in this world than your parents.

They want the very best for you, more than anyone else, and they can 100% sincere in this.

But they can also be 100% wrong."

- Ustadah Hedaya Hartford, SunniPath Teacher

WikiHow: How to Deal With Abusive Mother in Law

2009-02-21T22:01:00.006Z

http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-Abusive-Mother-in-Law

While many people quietly suffer critical mother in laws, abusive mother in laws are totally different. If you have been physically or mentally abused by your mother in law, here is how to cope.

Steps

If you have been abused my your mother in law, it is not right, it is wrong. No one deserves verbal or physical abuse.
Look to your spouse. Ask your husband or wife how they are going to deal with this situation as it is his or her mother. He should understand the hurt you have gone through and speak to his mother and tell her that what she has done was wrong.
Ask your spouse to keep you away from her. Understand it will be hard for him as well because he would feel torn between you and his mom.
If you feel your partner is not understanding, you need to think about your relationship as well. If you are not getting his full support you will feel helpless.
Keep away from your mother in law till you feel you can let go and forgive her, and try to build a relationship with her again for the sake of your spouse.

Tips

Try not to think it was your fault and it was right for your mother in law to abuse you.
Tell your partner how you feel.
Avoid your mother in law as much as you can till you are ready to build a relationship with her, that is if you think you can.
Tell her if you feel comfortable what you feel about what she has done to you

Warnings

Never feel its your fault
Do not put up with abuse from anyone and think it is ok for that person to do that.
Abuse is not just physical but it could also be in mental form.
Remember if someone is abusing you, they have realy big issues in their own lifes
get to safety, protect your self.

Things You'll Need:

power
self belief
time
support from your partner
support from your parents

Related wikiHows: - Great Reads!

How to Deal With a Critical Mother in Law
How to Make Your In Laws Like You
How to Get Rid of Your In Laws
How to Deal With Intrusive, Needy Mother in Laws

Read the fantastic book "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway!" By Susan Jeffers.

Rule #29 - Don't Put Up With Injustice

2009-02-21T21:44:00.003Z

Its all very well to be nicey nice to in laws are so critical and unappriciative.

But what to do when the In-Laws act unjustly? Become verbally/physically/emotionally abusive? Make unfair demands?

It's hard when you are actually living with in-laws and don't have the luxury of leaving them, going into your own home and closing the door behind them, feeling safe in your own sanctuary.

The most important thing to remember here is that you don't have to put up with their unjust behaviour.

You have to stay away from them, even if you live in the same house.
Withdraw from their company. Say "Excuse me" and leave the room quietly.
Spend your time in your bedroom until the matter starts to get resolved.
Go and spend the day, and if possible, the night at a relative/friends house and inform your husband that you are not willing to put up with that sort of behaviour. You deserve to be treated with respect.
Whatever you do, don't put on a smile and act as if everything is fine, and that you are okay with being mistreated. You are NOT.

Here's a great WikiHow fact sheet on How to Deal With Abusive Mother in Law

Rule #28 - It's OK to Make Mistakes!

2009-02-21T21:31:00.003Z

You can make as manay mistakes as you want to, regardless of what your MIL says - you are not a failure.

Oftentimes MILs put so much pressure on their daughter in laws to "Get it right, and get it right first time round!" that it can put undue pressure on the DIL to be on her best performance all the time Thus in the event of messing things up, DILs feel like they are a big failure.

After your MIL remarks sarcastically that you are the worst cook around, (when the chicken has gone a tad dry in the oven while you were changing bambino's nappy leak), relax, take a deep breath and reply with smile: "This is a bit of a disaster isnt it? I think we should all eat sandwiches for dinner tonight!"

Reassure yourself that this is all part of the learning process and you can still make it into the Cordon Bleu. For now enjoy your imprefect cooking!

Yahoo Discussion Group

2009-02-21T20:36:00.006Z

A new discussion forum just started to provide support and strength.

Join This Yahoo Group Now!

We Dig Our Own Graves

2009-02-20T20:22:00.006Z

During times of conflict, In-laws often say what they want to their daughters in-law. Daughters in law are made to feel guilty, and try a feeble attempt at defending themselves - getting hurt very badly.

Made to feel incompetent...

After all the humiliation, the next day everyone treats her (daughter in-law) as normal, as though nothing happened, nothing was said.

The daughter in-law accepts this as a new code,

Feeling humiliated, doesn't want a repeat of what has happened.

Goes along with the "code".

And they feel comfortable to do it again, when "necessary".

A Time for Change

She does not insult the elder, she does not be vulgar, but she says:

"I dont have to expose myself to this situation"

"It's not okay for you to treat me like this"

"I don't deserve to be treated in this way"

"Honey, I wont stop you from being with your family, but its not my duty to put up with this."

It is her right to defend herself when being oppressed by injustice.

She is not a doormat.

She forms her own code

When someone is unjust to her, she protects her integrity, and keeps her distance.

SunniPath :A Wife's Right to Housing Separate From Her In-Laws and Others

2009-02-20T20:13:00.002Z

Answered by Shaykh Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari

Question:

I would like to know what the husband's obligations are towards his wife regarding providing shelter for her. The husband makes his wife live with his family (in-laws) and makes her share the household facilities with other members of the family (kitchen, bathroom), and this is causing a lot of problems for the wife and she does not have her privacy either. The husband is capable of providing separate residence and facilities but does not, and the wife is having a difficult time? Please could you explain according the Hanafi School how to deal with this problem? I have been told that the Hanafi scholars have dealt with such things and a woman is entitled to a separate residence where none of in-law live? Is this true?

From the Answer ~ Points to Ponder...

The Shariah has given certain rights to the husband,
just as it has give rights to the wife.
Many times, failure to give the spouses their rights results in conflict and eventually breakdown of Marriage.

These rights, at times, may not go down to well with certain people and cultures. However, it is necessary for us to educate those Muslims who have been affected by cultural customs and traditions, and inform them of the injunctions of Shariah.

it is not necessary upon the wife to cook for or serve her parents in-law. Now, many people believe that it is the duty of the wife to look after not only the household affairs but all the family members including the nephew, niece, etc... If she is negligent in any way, then she is rebuked.
In the Hanafi school, the wife has a right to live (and demand to live) separately. It is the duty and responsibility of the husband to provide her with shelter (suknah). This shelter must, if she demands so, be free from the interference of any of the husband’s family. The responsibility of the husband will be fulfilled if the wife is provided with a separate area within the house, and where she is able to keep her belongings and where none of the husband’s family members are able to enter.
“It is necessary for the husband to provide the wife with a shelter (home) that is free from his and her family members…. taking into consideration both their economic standings. A separate quarter within the house that has a lock, separate bathroom and kitchen will be [minimally] sufficient.”
If the husband desired her to live with his other wife or his family members, such as: his mum, sister, daughter from another wife or relatives, and she refused, then it will incumbent upon him to provide her with a separate living quarter. The reason for this is that she may be harmed in co-sharing, and her refusal is a sign of harm.
It is the responsibility of the husband to provide the wife with shelter. If she demands it to be separate from the husbands family, then the husband will be obliged to provide a living quarter which is free from the interference of others and that it has a separate lock. As far as the bathroom and cooking area is concerned, this should also be separate if they are not from a poor family background (as Ibn Abidin mentions in length in his super commentary), or else the responsibility will be discharged by providing the above.

Read the Full Answer Here

Rule # 27 - Try to Make Your MIL Proud In Front of Her Friends

2009-02-20T15:48:00.000Z

There's nothing more that your MIL wants than to show to her friends what a lovely lady her daughter-in-law is, and what a lucky, lucky woman she is.

Of course, she never lets you know that's how she feels, and she criticises everything that you do - but inside she really knows it, and wants to tell all her friends how favoured she is by God (and it must have been a reward for bringing her son up so well).

When your MIL has her friend's over, try to spend at least 10 minutes with her friends asking all about them and making them feel welcome. After that, go and do your own thing.

Within limits, try to make an effort to attend social gatherings that she has organised (if she invites you, that is!). If she wants you to participate her once every six months/year - then why not? It's not that big a deal and you can applaud yourself for part-taking in a necessary family-bonding event.

Try extra hard to be nice to her friends and remind yourself to keep breathing and that it will be all over soon.

Rule #26 - Warn them Before Times of Stress

2009-02-18T20:48:00.006Z

Accept that they dont have the same priorities as you.

Parents should be informed and warned of sudden changes in lifestyle, such as a temporary periods of illness, stressful exam times for the children, professional exams/training for either spouse.

Parents may have lived a life where they would carry on working even if they were ill, or some didnt give as much priority to their children's education/personal careers as you do - and they wont understand why you dont feel the same way.

Instead of resenting them or comparing your priorities to theirs, get your dh to speak to them ever so kindly and let them know you are about to enter a period where times will be hard, the house is going to be a mess, maybe food wont be cooked on time, etc.

Try to go one step further by trying to enrol them into helping out a bit more. "I just want to let you know that it will be a bit hard for and the house will be a bit messy; it would mean so much to us if you could bear with us during this stressful period and it would be so amazing if you could help us out."

:)

Differences of Opinion...

2009-02-18T20:36:00.005Z

Differences of opinion are beautiful

Everyone is allowed to have their own

Tastes,

Beliefs,

Levels of Religiousness / Taqwa,

Values,

Methods of raising/disciplining/educating children,

Housekeeping priorities,

Level of contact with family members.

I accept that others have different opinions in every area of life.

I am happy they have found an opinion to suit them.

This is me!

I choose to do things my way.

You choose to do things differently.

I accept that and am happy for you.

You do not accept that i am doing things differently to you.

I accept that you do not accept me in your life and I am happy for you!

I am happy with the way you choose to live your life.

Each to his own,

Differences of opinion are Beautiful.

Rule #25 - Accept Their Lifestyle is Sacred and Precious to Them

2009-02-18T16:23:00.004Z

If you think that your MIL takes pleasure in things that would totally bore you - such as spending hours over the phone with the same person every day, visiting them every other day and inviting them round to visit her every four days, remember that she probably doesn't think your past-times are very appealing either. Never belittle them or act like they are not leading a fulfilling life even if it looks that way to you.

Accept your in-laws lifestyle decision as sacred and precious to them; and get on with your own fulfilling lifestyle in content. Each to his own. :)

Rule #24 - Dont Take Your MILs Babysitting Services for Granted

2009-02-18T16:18:00.004Z

Always give your MIL plenty of notice when requesting her babysitting services. If you sweetly as her to babysit so you and your dh can go out and celebrate your 5th Anniversry wihout giving her much notice, dont be surprised if she refuses and insists that she has already made plans to watch the final episode of her favourite show.

Your MIL wants to feel like her plans are just important as yours - and they are!

SunniPath: Marriage Proposal from a Man Living with his Parents

2009-02-18T15:44:00.010Z

http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?HD=1&ID=7128&CATE=121

Answered by Ustadha Zaynab Ansari,
SunniPath Academy Teacher

Question:

I have received a marriage proposal from an excellent practicing and knowledgable muslim brother, Alhamdullillah. The only hinderance in making any decision is that he and his family (including his younger brother) want to live together in one house, meaning everyone living on the same floor, sharing one bathroom and so forth.

This is going to be a very difficult situation for me regarding privacy and parda. i will have to be in hijab and proper outfit while performing house chores around the house. This brother agreed earlier that they understand this situation and are planning to move into a different house where this won't be a problem (maybe make separate portions).

However, now this brother and his family have changed their plan and have decided to live the way they are living now (everybody living together and i will only have a bedroom) and will live the same way anywhere they move. I would like to know what is the Islamic teaching on this. The brother is really nice and religious , mashallah but living together is the only problem that is hindering me from making any decision.

From the Answer ~ Points to Ponder:

When choosing a spouse looking for someone with good religion and character is foremost.
Women should also look for men with stable and lawful incomes, and the ability to support them adequately.
At the very least, a man has to provide his wife with her own separate apartment, even if it's within the confines of his family's home. The wife should have her own living area, bedroom, bathroom, and kitchen.
Think long and hard before you put yourself in a situation where you have no privacy.
You deserve your own space. This is not a luxury, but a religious obligation upon your husband.

Read Full Answer Here

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

2009-02-18T14:07:00.005Z

With all close relationships it is important to "choose your battles". Some things call for action to be taken, such as personal boundaries being overstepped.

Make a list of:

the "big stuff" which you just cant compromise on - e.g. dinner parties at your place, scheduled time with the kids, being able to pursue your ambitions and interests.
the "small stuff" which you should learn to accept - e.g. taking the in-laws out regularly, phoning her regularly when she goes away on holiday, having to cook and clean for them, etc.

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

Living With In-Laws gets a mention in Sally Shield's Newsletter!

2009-02-17T18:27:00.005Z

http://thedilrules.blogspot.com/2009/02/httpcontentedinlawsblogspotcom.html
* * * Quote of the Week * * *

“Creativity is a natural extension of our enthusiasm.”
– Earl Nightingale, 1921-1989,
American Motivational Author and Radio Broadcaster

* * * Sally Commentary * * *

"A Totally Rockin’ Amazing, Flattering New Blog:

Well, I’m proud to say that my new friend, Renee Osman, has actually put into practice what I Intended for my readers to do – create their own personal Daughter-in-Law Rules customized for their very own mothers-in-law! And she has done just that! Her brand new blog, Living With In-Laws is fabulous, and so needed, as 1.3million homes now have grandparents moving in.

Thank you Renee - you are going to help a lot of folks out there! And keep up the wonderful work!

Please visit Renee’s new blog at:
http://contentedinlaws.blogspot.com/

* * * Inspirational thought * * *

“Make it a point to do something every day that you don't want to do. This is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.”
– Mark Twain, 1835-1910,
American Writer and Humorist

Have a beautiful week, and don't forget to call your mother-in-law, if only to ask how she is feeling!!!"

SunniPath: In Laws Feel Threatened By the New Wife

2009-02-17T17:53:00.006Z

I have a sensitive problem. I have been married for many years now, and I have a recurring problem. Once in a while my husband’s sister starts flirting with him - and also subtle actions, e.g. she would mention every compliment she got from her brother to me, etc, making my feel very low, and as result I have suffered from a very low self esteem. During the initial stages of my marriage, she would do it more.

The latest occurrence has been when she has flirtingly engaged in a conversation which seemed very provocative, and when I tried to interrupt the conversation by talking to her, she ignored me twice and completely acted like she didn’t hear. I spoke to my husband who assures me that he always interprets these gestures as "sisterly" and never more.

What is the Islamic Ruling on flirting? I mean, how are siblings supposed to act with one another? Is it okay for women to parade themselves round their brothers, giggle flirtatiously with them? It is not such a regular occurrence anymore, but I just feel so cut up.

But then, what if it is just harmless sibling tomfoolery? I know she is also doing it in front of me to show that she is still "so close" to her brother... but it makes me cringe at the way she does it... surely there are other ways of having fun with your brother?

Please advise.
Was Salam o Alaikum.

Answer:

In the name of Allah Most Merciful Most Compassionate

I pray you are well and in the best of health and iman.

Since you haven't given the details of how she is flirtatious, it's difficult to state if it's haram or not. With that said, it's permissible for siblings to joke and joke around; obviously your husband doesn't find his sister's behaviour inappropriate. And it isn't unusual for sisters to act a bit friendly with their brothers when they feel threaten by a new wife, even though it's not necessarily good behaviour.

I would recommend that you read "Changing Your Life and Everyone in It" by Michele Weiner-Davis, for suggestions about making a happy marriage and a happy life. Happiness is not a place, it's a process.

And Allah Most High knows best.

SunniPath.

Rule #23 - Plan your Get-Together Chat List

2009-02-16T18:50:00.003Z

Accept that you have in-laws that like to get together regularly for a chin-wag and gossip while you are trying to uphold your religious morals and plan your get-togethers the night before. (aka Chat List Planning).

Things to include in your Chat List Plan:

Positive Current Affairs, (steering clear away from the obscene & immoral)
Environmental Issues, Recycling, Global Warming
New Recipes,
Children's Manners & Character Building

Have at least 5 things in total up your sleeve that you can whip out in times of need and guide that conversation back into place!

If anyone has more suggestions to add, please leave a comment!

Rule #22 - Make requests rather than getting a nice surprise

2009-02-16T18:37:00.004Z

Accept that your in-laws are prone for bringing home fat fortified takeaway food as a surprise for the grandchildren.

Try to understand it is their way of showing affection to the little monkeys, rather than contributing to growing obesity epidemic in the country.

Keep your high-fat radar on and when you smell a takeaway in the midst, playfully suggest that they treat you to some healthy veggie pizza, or that you haven't eaten a Lebanese fatayer with mezze in a while and you would absolutely love for them to bring some home for you!

Not only will they feel touched that you like it when they shower you with the gift of food, but heart will love you too!

Rule #21 - Delegate Jobs to Keep them Busy

2009-02-16T18:31:00.007Z

Accept that your in-laws are old and retired and have nothing to do all day.

As they will eventually become irritated and critical of everything you do, try to work out some inconsequential tasks that they could do, to keep them busy! This way they will not be so ready to complete unsolicited tasks for you - such as sorting through your laundry!

Drop off the kids to school,
Helping with buying the groceries,
Mowing the Lawn,
Helping with the cooking,

The key here is to keep them busy doing easy tasks.

Ladies Of Leisure With Nothing To Do can feel pretty useless and worthless.

Be a bit creative and think of ways that you could enrol them in the house - making your life a bit easier!

Sally Shields Top Tips:

2009-02-11T22:21:00.006Z

Taken from her Videos on YouTube,

Make sure her feelings are validated
Make Wednesday Mother-in-law day, and phone her up
Let her know that you care about her and want to be friends with her. Bond with her on a girlfriend level - Establish a relationship with her that is separate from the relationship you have you and your husband,
Whenever your husband does a great job around the house, tell her that she did a really great job raising such a wonderful guy!
Ask her how she is feeling and listen to her talking about her aches and pains
Always remember the three important days: Birthday, Anniversary and Mothers Day and try to get dh to write the card from both of you
Ask her for her advice on inconsequential issues and follow them through before you offers her unsolicited advice
Find out the things that bother her, take a mental note and tailor them so you can be prepared the next time - so you don't always have the same old reactions to things. You can change yourself by changing your reaction.
Tell her her food is delicious.
When talking about controversial topics, change the subject
Dont take her babysitting services for granted.

Rule #20 - Kids & Homework

2009-02-09T22:17:00.001Z

If you are getting your kids to do their homework, and you will be going somewhere with your in-laws after that, take some time out before you sit down and clarify when you will be leaving and explain that you don't want to be disturbed until that time.

This will hopefully deter interruptions such as "what time will we be leaving?", "how much longer are you going to be?" "aren't you finished yet?" whilst studying.

Rule #19 - Do the Right Thing, and Dispel Negative Energy

2009-02-09T22:07:00.000Z

Pursue your interests,
Kindle your inner fire, and
Do the right thing;

And if people call you names,
Be silent and dispel their negative energy from within you;

Take the time out of your life to rid your self of bad energy.

Rule #18 - Be the Best Person You Can

2009-02-09T21:55:00.000Z

... and rest assured that God will look after the rest.